


Murder Is Not A Suitable Group Activity

by IHaveNotTurnedGOOD (strangeradventuresofstarwars)



Category: Green Wing
Genre: Everyone Hates Alan Statham, F/M, Group Bonding, Guy Has Residual Trauma From Season One, Guy Is Traumatised, Mac Macartney Deals With Idiocy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2019-05-14
Packaged: 2020-03-05 14:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18830425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangeradventuresofstarwars/pseuds/IHaveNotTurnedGOOD
Summary: Sue wonders if she can turn murder into a group activity.





	Murder Is Not A Suitable Group Activity

I don’t own anything.

 

“Alright, who’s down for some murder?” Sue announces as she strides into the break room, where Guy, Mac, Boyce, Angela, Martin and Caroline are sat on chairs.

“Everything alright, darling?” Guy eyes Sue a little bit worriedly. 

Wincing at the dark, murderous look in his girlfriend’s icy blue eyes.

“Murder is never the answer.” Mac replies.

“Are you alright Suse?” Angela gives her a sympathetic look.

“Someone’s pissed me off and this time I’ve had it. Normally, I’d dispose of the bastard myself, but you all hate him just as much as I do.” Sue places her hands on her hips.

“What did Statham do this time?” Boyce sighs.

“He gets it, he’ll go far.” Sue taps his shoulder.

“Look, I really don’t think it matters what he’s done, he’s an annoying fucking bastard and it’s about time we did something about him.” Guy states.

“You’ve never really cared before about Statham’s antics.” Angela remarks.

“Yeah, well my girlfriend’s never come into the break room asking us if we’d like to assist in murdering the arsehole, so he’s evidently pissed her off and if he’s pissed her off, then I’m pissed off with him too, more so.” Guy is disgruntled.

“Oh, honey, I appreciate the gesture my love but, trust me, no one hates him more than I do.” Sue rests her hands on his shoulders.

“Except perhaps me and most likely Boyce, how do you put up with him on a regular basis if you don’t mind me asking?” Mac turns to face the younger doctor.

“I usually just take the piss, enlist her to help me take the piss.” Boyce gestures to Sue. 

“And play pranks until he’s not as annoying as he was when the day started.”

“So, we should just pull a big prank, really big one, between the seven of us.” Martin suggests.

“Or we could just, I don’t know, kill the bastard and dispose of all the evidence.” Sue retorts.

“Sue, I know this goes against every fibre of your being but, you really have got to understand that murder is not an acceptable group bonding activity.” Mac sighs in dismay.

“But it’s something we can all do together against someone we all hate.”

“Or we could just simply report him to HR, I’m sure Joanna would...”

“DON’T SAY HER NAME!” Guy cries, vivid and powerful flashbacks striking him in an instant at the very mention of the woman who is his birth mother and who he accidentally...

“Shh, shh it’s alright honey, you’re not there, that’s over and in the past, forgotten, it doesn’t exist.”

“I have severe scarring from a head injury relating to what happened there that could prove otherwise.” Mac quips.

“No one gives a fuck about your fucking coma anymore. It’s in the past, don’t torment him with it.” Sue hisses in defence of Guy, sitting in his lap and letting him bury his head into the side of her neck to try and ride out the horrific memory.

“All I’m saying is that, we could just discreetly report him to HR, all sorted, no one gets hurt.” Angela holds up her hands.

“I’d like to see him get hurt.” Caroline comments.

“Well I’m not a violent person.” Angela throws her hair back, sitting up straight in her chair.

“There’s a fucking lie right there.” Caroline snorts.

“And I’m just horrified by all the people in this room who want to resort to violence, seriously, it’s not on.” Mac holds up his hands.

“We’re not going to fucking HR, because a) I want nothing more than to kill that bitch and b) she’s fucking Statham and if you didn’t know that then you’re a fucking moron.” Sue glares at Angela.

“How did you not know that?” Boyce folds his arms.

“I’m not nosy like the rest of you.”

“It’s fucking public knowledge!” Caroline shake her head at the blonde.

“Look, I agree we need to do something about him, but if we have to do anything it should be a prank, a world class, you’re not going to come back from that prank.” Boyce suggests.

“Like when Mac dared Guy to sleep with Joanna and it turned out to be his moth... FUCKING HELL!” Boyce screeches as a knife flies past his head and into the wall behind him.

“Next time I won’t fucking miss!” Sue hisses, stroking her boyfriends hair in a soothing manner as he’s practically crawled into her lap.

“Okay, seriously we’ve got to make a few ground rules here. We don’t bring up the thing that happened that caused me to end up in a coma and for Guy to lose his driving license and dignity.” Mac starts.

“And, Sue, we’ve already talked about this. No throwing weapons at people in the hospital.”

“Unless it’s Statham or Guy if he pisses you off.” Caroline suggests.

“Debatable... No, there should be no weapons in this hospital, fucking hell.”

“Don’t be such a fucking hypocrite, Macartney. You stabbed Guy with a fucking scalpel.” She glares at him.

“There’s a difference, he was being a dick.” Mac retorts.

“What do you think he was doing?” Caroline retorts.

“Reminding us all of a very unfortunate event.” Mac states.

“Fuck me, you’ve got one hell of an aim, could be good for us when we’re going after Statham.” Boyce remarks.

“We’re not going after Statham in a violent manner.” Mac tells them.

“I want to.” Guy says in a small voice.

“Like I said he pissed my girlfriend off and if anyone pisses her off they deserve nothing more than both my wrath and hers.” Guy says firmly, causing Sue to smirk at him.

“If she wants a partner in crime, then she’s got one in me. Murder might not be something you all want to do as a group, but it can be a couples thing.” Guy looks up at her.

“Awww, honey.” Sue gives him a genuine beaming smile.

“That’s fucking terrifying.” Martin’s eyes widen.

“You do say the sweetest things.” Sue ignores Martin completely, focusing on Guy.

“I know.” Guy says leaning up to kiss his girlfriend, silence descending in the room until the resounding sound of someone opening a can of pop ruins the moment.

“Uh, excuse me. We’re trying to have a moment here.” Guy rolls his eyes at Mac.

“Yes and I’m trying to have a Fanta.” Mac retorts plainly.

“And I was trying to plan a murder.” Sue sighs.

“A prank, world class prank.” Boyce corrects her.

“Which could end in murder.” Sue bargains.

“What could possibly go wrong with this!” Caroline throws her arms up in the air.

“Everything.” Mac puts his Fanta down.

“Absolutely everything.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is insane, it’s really stupid but I just had a thought & this is what happened. Thank you to anyone who has read this & please comment & tell me all your thoughts if you can.


End file.
